Did anyone see Bridget Jones’ Diary? One glance at Renee in that Playboy Bunny costume should be enough to realize why she made this list.
24. Jay Leno
Don’t let his massive, crescent-moon shaped face distract you from his terrible monologues. It’s all part of the plan. He’s difficult to look at, and about as funny as ball cancer.
23. Goldie Hawn
Let’s call Goldie “weathered”, to be nice. I assume we’re all in agreement that women with side boobs should not wear such revealing dresses? That said, it takes a brave person to wear a wig made of straw in public.
22. John Heder
John Herder is living proof you can actually breed Barbaro with a Nathan’s Hotdog.
21. Carrot Top
Carrot Top looks like a real life hobgoblin … on steroids … with a perm … but less funny.
20. Howard Stern
You could argue that if we include Howard Stern on the list, we should also include Slash and Joey Ramone. But both of them use their hair as a mask - and sadly, Stern doesn’t. Somehow, someway, Stern is even ugly on radio. Even more shocking, this face is post-plastic surgery.
19. Fergie
Her lovely lady lumps ain’t that lovely, especially when dripping with the crotch-sweat apparent at so many of her concerts. The busted-ass eyebrow ring circa, 1993? Saucy!
18. Tori Spelling
Her father Aaron Spelling has been dead for six months and still is substantially better looking.
17. Clay Aiken
He’s kind of like an ugly duckling that grew up into an uglier version of Martin Short, only with red-hair, and a mouthful of baby teeth. And if he looks like this on the street, imagine how unattractive he is when taking a wide stance in an airport restroom.
16. Star Jones
The surgery can’t remove all the skin that used to hold in her fat. So it ain’t just her shirt that she’s now tucking into her Size 6 jeans. And she looks like the box that Nell Carter gets shipped in.
15. Kirsten Dunst
I guess she’s kinda cute… if you are into trailer park chicks. Or if you have a fetish for super tiny teeth, in which case, you’d probably be better off banging a porpoise. Snaggletooth is much more fit playing the role of a vampire or jack o’lantern rather than a superhero’s girl.
14. Willem Dafoe
He’s great because he starred in The Boondock Saints. But not that great, because he starred as the cross dressing gay cop in The Boondock Saints. And looked more like a woman than I do most days.
13. Brigette Nielson
Nothing will get you on a list quicker then a pair of veiny porcelain beach balls. She’s so ugly that Mark Gastineau used to make her wear his helmet - backwards - when he banged her. And it only got worse as Flavor Flav’s clock slapped off her face repeatedly.
12. Sarah Jessica Parker
The demonspawn of the toll-collecting ogre and the wicked witch of the west, our favorite Sarah Jessica Parker role was when she played Dee Snyder in Twisted Sister for all those years.
11. Flavor Flav
“A clock on my chest proves I don’t fess,
I’m a clock-a, rock-a rockin’ wit-da-rest,
Flavor in da house by Chuck-D’s side,
with a face that looks like I was trapped in my mom’s birth canal for about 27 seconds too long….”
10. Steve Buscemi
He was Ugly in Reservoir Dogs. He was Ugly in Fargo. And more recently, he was Ugly in The Sopranos. The guy is good.
9. Jenna Jameson
Jenna Jameson went from giving kids wet dreams to dishing out nightmares with her new “Howard the Duck” look.
8. Amy Winehouse
Sure, she’s young, and thin, and trendy…. And by “trendy” we mean “a heroin-addicted, hepatitis-infested skeleton.”
7. Tim Burton
The ratlike grin says “Who stole my cheese?” and the hair says “Yes, it’s pubic!” Couple those with a scorching case of halitosis, and you’ve got a goddamned trifecta! Only someone this repugnant could develop a story as dark and deeply emotive as Edward Scissorhands.
6. Lyle Lovett
Behold! It’s Lyle, the probiscis monkey!
5. Kelly Osbourne
Kind of like The Cure’s Robert Smith, but with a vagina.
4. Perez Hilton
There’s nothing like a bitchy queen with absolutely no sense of style and a connection to the internet. Give me a tweezer, some clippers and a gag, and he’ll be as good as new. Love the gingivitis!
3. Michael Moore
Nobody likes a fat kid. And even less people like a fat kid who shoves their politics down everyone else’s throat. Hasn’t this portly gadfly made enough money to buy himself a gastric-bypass and a nice Schick Quattro by now? Less Moore, please.
2. Michael Jackson
On Halloween at the Neverland Ranch, the pre-teens strewn across his bed were the treats and Michael’s face was the trick.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Little Boy Blue
Little Boy Blue Who?
Michael Jackson.
1. Courtney Love
What in the world did Kurt ever see in this hag? She just needs someone to take her in, feed her, shower her, and buy her some Summer’s Eve.
